Friday, 9 March 2012

Help! - "when I let go of who I am, I become what I might be'", but how?

This week I am the lightest weight I've been since I was 16.  I never thought I would get there and yet I've chipped away at it and its become a reality.

I'm now down to the last 10 kilos of a 43 kilo weight loss journey.  I can see the finish line.  But it just seems so far out of reach and I don't know mentally how to get there.
I have been trying to lose weight for soooooo long - for more than 30 years - I don't know anything else other than trying to reinvent myself and shed kilos.  I know with change that you don't wake up one day and things are different in your head; its a gradual process and I'm at that point that in order to reach the finish line I need to have a different dialogue in my head.

Experts say that I should visualise what I will look like.  To be honest, I can't.  I have no reference point for what I look like being thin because I never have been.  I don't know what life is like as a thin person because I've never been one.  My gut instinct is telling me that I need to visualise myself this way in order to get to my goal weight.  It's a struggle.

I have changed so many habits that I once had that I no longer recognise the person I once was.  She's gone. But the new me hasn't quite emerged.

I know I can sustain the changes I've made.  There is so much I am doing right that I am seriously worried I have reached the point of complacency about finishing that last part of what I started; that my thinking is 'near enough is good enough and 90% will do."  Is it laziness?  A fear or failure?  Or fearing that I don't have it in me to be perfect?

And yet I realise there are more habits I need to change.  I've gone from dumping weight, to tidying up my body and now I'm almost ready - but not quite - to start the fine tuning.  I feel like an organisation expert that's tackled a hoarder's house that you see on lifestyle TV.  So much junk has been thrown out, things are looking tidier and better, but its only now that we're almost at the point of starting the real glamour makeover.

I think back to times in my life when I've been successful in order to draw upon lessons that I can apply.  I remember after 4 years doing my Masters degree part time, my last subject felt like it was the hardest and the one I didn't want to finish.  I completed it, but by then getting that degree was no longer that important to me.  It was a matter of applying myself and having a daily battle with an inner dialogue of "I'm over it.  I'm battle weary.  I'm exhausted.  I just want to finish."  I hear that voice now and I don't know how to quieten it.

I am determined.  I have no more weight loss failures in me.  My thinking has to shift from 'losing weight' to creating a healthy, slim and fit me but I don't know how to make that shift.

I want to reach the point of being 'normal'.  I want to live life without a weight problem.  I want to be the best version of me.  But I need help to know how I run the last 2 miles of a battle-weary marathon race to my finishing line.



  1. Oh sweetie - big hugs to you. It's BIG this life changing stuff. I keep writing that, but it's true. You already ARE living the life of a thin person. 10kg to go from where you've come from is nothing - but I get that it seems like forever away too.
    I got some awesome advice during the week that may help... It doesn't matter how slowly you get to goal. It doesn't matter than you may not be at goal by the end of these 12 weeks. All that matters is that every day you do your best, knowing that some days your best is better than others.

    And we're all here to help you fight. It's hard enough without fighting yourself too.

  2. You have done such a great job losing weight and getting active and healthy, that you already are a different person and you already are who you might be. (crikey, it's a bit existential and is doing my head in a little bit.) Maybe you can talk to some people who have lost all the weight and are now living life as a person with no weight problem and have put that behind them. I've seen a couple of good blogs about maintaining weight - would that help? Here's a link to a blog I like. She discusses some similar issues:
    Do you tend to over think it? Could you just keep going in robot jfdi mode and not think too much?? I don't know the answer, but I just know that you are inspirational for the changes you have already made and what you have achieved and if you worked out those problems, you will work out this one.

  3. I can so relate to what you are saying. I saw myself from the back today and barely recognised myself. So excited to be a smaller version of the real me :). I have been on the Zen masters path of remembering that now is all we have and now is good. What more is there but a loud head and way to many stray thoughts? You are who you are today.., one gorgeous, healthy amazing woman doing amazing things. I am reminded of a Leunig poem I often refer to . What is "there" like and what happens when you get "there". I would say its the journey that matters most so keep enjoying the ride and celebrate the good stuff happening to you every day.