This week I am the lightest weight I've been since I was 16. I never thought I would get there and yet I've chipped away at it and its become a reality.
I'm now down to the last 10 kilos of a 43 kilo weight loss journey. I can see the finish line. But it just seems so far out of reach and I don't know mentally how to get there.
I have been trying to lose weight for soooooo long - for more than 30 years - I don't know anything else other than trying to reinvent myself and shed kilos. I know with change that you don't wake up one day and things are different in your head; its a gradual process and I'm at that point that in order to reach the finish line I need to have a different dialogue in my head.
Experts say that I should visualise what I will look like. To be honest, I can't. I have no reference point for what I look like being thin because I never have been. I don't know what life is like as a thin person because I've never been one. My gut instinct is telling me that I need to visualise myself this way in order to get to my goal weight. It's a struggle.
I have changed so many habits that I once had that I no longer recognise the person I once was. She's gone. But the new me hasn't quite emerged.
I know I can sustain the changes I've made. There is so much I am doing right that I am seriously worried I have reached the point of complacency about finishing that last part of what I started; that my thinking is 'near enough is good enough and 90% will do." Is it laziness? A fear or failure? Or fearing that I don't have it in me to be perfect?
And yet I realise there are more habits I need to change. I've gone from dumping weight, to tidying up my body and now I'm almost ready - but not quite - to start the fine tuning. I feel like an organisation expert that's tackled a hoarder's house that you see on lifestyle TV. So much junk has been thrown out, things are looking tidier and better, but its only now that we're almost at the point of starting the real glamour makeover.
I think back to times in my life when I've been successful in order to draw upon lessons that I can apply. I remember after 4 years doing my Masters degree part time, my last subject felt like it was the hardest and the one I didn't want to finish. I completed it, but by then getting that degree was no longer that important to me. It was a matter of applying myself and having a daily battle with an inner dialogue of "I'm over it. I'm battle weary. I'm exhausted. I just want to finish." I hear that voice now and I don't know how to quieten it.
I am determined. I have no more weight loss failures in me. My thinking has to shift from 'losing weight' to creating a healthy, slim and fit me but I don't know how to make that shift.
I want to reach the point of being 'normal'. I want to live life without a weight problem. I want to be the best version of me. But I need help to know how I run the last 2 miles of a battle-weary marathon race to my finishing line.